May 2, 2017
There are days and moments in my life, I cannot explain or figure out why things go the way they do. Why I continue to implode on myself and create this inner battle and struggle? Even sometimes when I think I am so close to figuring it out, or feeling that I am finally completely “whole”; I find myself like I did last Thursday night. I find myself in this great inner battle to live or die. I hate going to that place because it is dark and dirty and evil. It is where the devil has his foothold and grabs on to me and where I have to be my bravest and strongest to survive.
Much of my battles in the past, I tried to rely solely on myself to accomplish beating the devil, but through my Faith and belief in Christ, I realize now I was never “alone”. I am never ALONE! Christ is always with me even when it gets bumpy. It is easy to see Christ and focus on Christ and trust Christ when everything is going well. But when the turbulence hits I sometimes lose my balance, my focus, my trust. It is hard to stay focused on where Christ is in that moment. I guess it is much like the story of the disciples in Matthew Chapter 14 who find themselves out on the water in a raging storm with turbulence all around them. Then they see a figure walking on water. They are terrified until they hear His voice and recognize it is the Lord.
Peter filled with this great Faith, steps out on the water and keeping his eyes fixed on Christ begins walking on water. He takes a few steps, but the wind and the waves rise and he loses focus. He finds himself sinking and panicking, much like I find myself in the battle of my life. I sink and I panic thinking the worst. Wondering what kind of life, it is I am living? Is it truly the life Christ called me to live? Because truthfully, I get tricked by the devil and I lose trust and on those nights like Thursday, I contemplate ending it all and letting the devil win because I don’t want to battle anymore. So, I cry out in desperation and Jesus comes to my rescue once again. He pulls me out of my muck and mire and desperation. He gives me the strength to battle on, to never give up, to trust, to have Faith. Funny, thing is though, He never promises that the journey will be easy, that it will be free of turbulence or hardship. What He did promise is that He loves me above all else and that He would never abandon me. Somehow in my blindness, I find comfort in knowing this.
But the questions keep mounting. How will this turn out? Am I living the right path? Will I crash and burn and fail miserably? Will my heart be broken yet again? Who do I trust? The answer comes to trust through my fears and trust God because He is always near. Because if I don’t – If I focus on myself and the turmoil around me, rather than the Savior in front of me – I find myself like Peter in panic mode. I find myself lost and floundering about, and then I find myself wishing I was dead.
My trust cannot be superficial. I must overcome the fear of the unknown and let God lead the way. He hasn’t disappointed me, yet. He has given me wonderful moments of clarity, mercy and Faith, all by His grace and love for me. How can I abandon that life? I cannot!!! I tried to rid that life on Thursday, when I burned many years of my journals and writings, thinking I would be getting rid of the pain, that if I didn’t see it or read about it, that I could trick myself into believing that those pains never happened. Maybe, this purging will help me to finally move forward. Maybe, this letting go and letting God will finally happen. So, today is a new day to be brave, to take those steps to move toward Christ to believe in the abundance of Christ love and to share that love with others.
“But my eyes are fixed on you, Sovereign LORD; in you I take refuge.” Psalm 141:8