Sunday, September 20, 2015

The Prodigal Daughter.....

September 17, 2015

I went for a walk in the woods today, and it sucked me in and held me like nothing else mattered. I needed that.  I missed the woods, and it let me know I'm always welcomed there and that I can find peace with the spirits around me, with life around me. I needed the spirits. I needed peace. I needed God. I needed to live. It is funny how fast life moves past us. How quickly we get out of routines or start new bad habits and then realize we missed so much. I found that out these last few weeks, how much I missed my winter routine of walking through the woods. When two long friendships crumbled around me, I realized life moved so quickly, excuses piled up and before long I found myself slowly losing my discipline that I had during the winter. Slowly losing my focus on the simple things and beauty in everyday life.  Maybe this spring, I was still feeling the sting of being rejected and slowly it eroded away at what I had accomplished this winter, which was trying to turn my life around by trusting God more. To learn to let go and let God, but as spring gave way to summer, I found I was fooling myself to believe I could find God in other ways. I didn't need the woods.  But the busyness took over, and I wasn't looking for God as much, and maybe that is what changed in my friendships, and I failed to notice, because I had changed.
Recently I realized my life was spiraling out of control, my control and I found myself back to square one as I was on that day back in December when I was reeling about falling in love with someone who didn't love me the same way back.  I had a choice to make, I could continue to let the depression, sweep in and continue to take over my life, or I could do something about it. I could choose to return to the woods, to return back as the prodigal daughter, asking God to show me the way. To ask God to help me with the blindness in my life. To ask God to open my eyes to what I have been missing these last few months. To awaken me from my blindness to see God. I needed to see God, because I was hurting and angry and I didn't want this to consume me.
So I returned to the woods, looking about, feeling, listening, praying for God to give me His peace. As I walked, I saw the changes from the winter and early spring. The trees were full of life, bristling in the light breeze, circling me with their branches offering me shelter. The path was narrower, but more focused and only small shards of light passed through the full branches. I could feel the warmth of this light on my cheek. The trees continued to wrap around me, almost hugging me. So I sat awhile and basked in the light and the comfort. Everything was so green and full of life and the leaves seemed to block out all the outside noise. It was just me and Fergus and God in this lush, green world. As I talked with God, I heard Him speak to me, reminding me that everything changes. Nothing stays the same, except God's love for me. He reminded me that life moves forward not backwards, and that to continue to trust Him. I left the woods comforted and more peaceful. I was grateful God is always with me and that everything will work out according to His plan.

Monday, July 27, 2015

Wrestling with myself

I'm on a journey and I have been for sometime. It is a journey to discover the true me. I find this journey sometimes easy and sometimes bothersome because it requires me to look deep within and see what God sees. There are days I'm strolling through the sunshine and taking it all in and believe that "life is good! that God is good!" Then there are days of darkness when I am buried and bumbling and barely breathing and I wonder "Why now?" These are the days that I find I am wrestling with myself, wrestling with finding truth and wrestling with God. I revert back to old habits, old views and old beliefs, and I struggle to see the sunshine. It is during those times I feel bad, isolated, alone and I'm certain that everyone hates me. I crawl into a hole and fear to let anyone in to see my hurts, my pains, and my weaknesses, especially those closest to me. I don't want to be raw and vulnerable or exposed because there is ugliness there. However;  there is one truth I cannot escape and that it God's love and belief in me. So the journey changes, as I look at myself through God's eyes. I change because of God's love and I move forward. This inner battle, this struggle, this wrestling match becomes easier as I turn closer and closer to God. As I accept Christ and what he has done and what he continues to do in my life, my journey becomes less troublesome, less burdensome, and less dark. Because Christ is the way, the truth and the life, he has been where I have been and gone before me to make my path more bearable. He is the one that lights my way and brings me out of the darkness.

Tuesday, June 9, 2015

What if....?


What if....??? How many times do we ask ourselves this question over a lifetime? I know when I was in basic training this question became a daily one on the minds of my classmates and myself. At first, we were trying to forsee every possible scenario that we could run into and we were trying to gain the knowledge we needed to survive. We were new and we wanted to be prepared for anything. So we would ask questions, especially when we were learning handcuffing techniques, such as what if the subject only has one arm? How do we secure them, and the answer was given by the instructor to handcuff the one arm to the subject's belt or belt loop. But as we questioned throughout our training it became almost a game to see who could come up with the most outrageous "What if..." question. We would "What if..." the instructor constantly, to the point the instructor would give up and jokingly state "just shoot them". We knew at that point we needed to move on and the gig was up, and the "What if..." questions would stop.
But as we move through our days we have probably heard or thought about the "What if..."  questions like:
"What if the cancer returns?" "What if I lose my job?" "What if I lose my house?" "What if this treatment doesn't work?" "What if he or she doesn't love me?" "What if I make the wrong choice?" "What if this marriage doesn't work out?" "What if I'm not a good parent?" "What if I can't get past this struggle?" "What if there is no God?"
Questions that make you stop and think and worry. But we shouldn't have to worry or ask the "What if..." questions if we have Faith. because God tells us...


(Philippians 4:6-8)Do not worry about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Finally, beloved, whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is pleasing, whatever is commendable, if there is any excellence and if there is anything worthy of praise, think about these things.


So we place our trust in God, with Faith that He will take care of us. We hope in this greater power, so that the "What if..." questions don't seem so daunting. We learn to trust that everything will work out according to God's plan and to most this gives us comfort. So the "What if..." questions have less hold on our lives and we are able to live with the Faith that God will provide.