Dormancy

So I began my walk in the woods journey back in December after falling in love with someone who did not love me the same. However, at the time the journey began it was my way of trying to sort through the feelings and what lied ahead instead of becoming more depressed and sinking into my pit of weariness.

So I made a decision to walk in the woods, pondering life, reflecting on my Godly moments and then sharing them with the one I fell in love with. At first, this was very therapuetic and enjoyable. I looked forward to my daily walks with Fergus, God and my love and I was confident that my love would be honest with me and stop me if things got too complicated or uncomfortable for them to receive my written letters. I continued walking through the winter months, even through the bitter cold and copious amounts of snow. I was entrenched in this new routine, and not only was I seeing results of better health, i.e. loosing weight, I was more enthused about life and was finding healing from some past hurts. So one month passed, then another, then another. I was three months into this process of change, but things started to feel different. The one I was sending the letters to, started to feel more distant to me, and I started to doubt why I was writing the letters. Was it because of the enjoyment and healing in myself, or deep down was there an ulterior motive to try and win someone's heart because they captured mine? So after talking it over with some friends, I decided that my letters were creating a false sense of intimacy and a dangerous mix of co-dependency. So I stopped writing, I became dormant, much like the world around me. No longer did there seem to be beauty and awe at every turn. Winter had taken its toll and Spring had not yet awakened the earth.  Like nature things in my life were murky and sloppy, brown and desolate. I lost my eye to seek the beauty around me and my heartfelt enthusiasm. I continud to walk, but there was not as much as joy. It seemed more of a chore.  I was lost because I was missing an element of my journey. I was missing sharing with the one I loved.

After a few weeks of not writing, I was still not happy. I wanted to share. So I tried just writing in a journal, then I tried writing to the one I loved without sending the letters, but things seemed false this way. So I continued in my dormant state until I got enough courage to talk with my love face to face. Again, I expressed how much I loved them and how they made my world a better place, and how I wanted to continue sharing my journey and my letters, if this is what they wanted. The only response I received, is "Maggie you are a very talented writer and I enjoy reading your letters."

So I thought, great things will return to how the beginning of the journey, began, but I did not return. I did not go backwards to try and recapture and rekindle the beauty of my letters from the beginning. Because deep in my heart, maybe I knew this was not going to work and that I was setting myself up for failure and more rejection. So I didn't write until Mother's Day weekend when I fell in more ways than one. I had any awful weekend and decided to drown my sorrows and pains with alcohol. I know this was not a good choice, and those that know me, know that I am not one to use alcohol to mask or hide my sorrows. But I succumbed to the alcohol and had the lump on my head to remind me of my poor choice and the drunken texts to the one I love. Now mind you there was nothing horrible about the texts or my messages. They were actually pretty hilarious, but the next day panic set in for my stupidity and I had to apologize to the one I loved. So I did but then I received the final write off that things will not work out, they are flattered that I have feelings stronger than friends, but they do not share those same feelings for me, which they believe is unhealthy for me. Even in this final letter, being truthful to myself, I had to agree. However, agreeing does not erase the pain of the rejection.

So again, I made a conscious decision to call on mother nature, God and to answer the trail. I will not slip into a dormant state, but will continue to make strides to continue my journey whereever it may lead. So I will not settle for dormancy, but I will bring new friends along my journey through the woods. I will look at this from the vantage point of Spring and re-birth...